Liberal Sex Positions That Satan Loves

The Far Right and ever-increasing generic Right are screaming that we need to increase the output of babies in this country, or something bad will happen. This seems to line up well with what many of the evangelical folks are saying too. Whatever the reason, women need to start to birth more children because squeezing one out of her vagina is the most important thing she can do in life.

It makes sense. Plus we wouldn’t want to displease God, now would we? Let’s round up the good God-fearing men and women, get them married, and start pumping out their rugrats. In case you’re a woman and not a virgin, have no fear! God will forgive you if you submit to his almighty power. He might even grow that hymen right back if he deems you worthy.

It’s wonderful to see you men and women get married right away and bumble their way into the marriage bed. No one knows what’s going on or what birth control is, so it’s quite conceivable — heh — that the first martial union will lead to a child, just as God had intended.

I want to remind the men too, that putting your Jesus warrior penis anywhere but your wife’s vagina is considered sodomy, and we all know what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah. So forget oral sex, masturbation, or even — gasp — butt sex. That’s what Liberals do.

Yes, Liberals have all this crazy sex without wanting to have kids. There are rumors that sometimes they have sex parties with multiple people. Why can’t we just have child-making parties and get all the women pregnant instead?

Another crazy Liberal thing is that they use different sexual positions. The only one for God-fearing couples is missionary because that’s Christian. Anything else and you’re libel to go to hell. Satan licks his chops when if you even think of doing it doggy style or reverse cowgirl! You better tell Sabrina Carpenter that she’s going to hell if she doesn’t shape up — spoiler alert, Jesus allows U-turns.

The good news is God-fearing people will outbreed the Liberals. It’s simple, if Liberals use birth control then they won’t have any children consuming up the resources that God made for us. That’s great, more for us Warriors of Jesus. Who cares if they have more fun, they’ll be crying when they go to hell. Who cares if they use sex for recreation and as a way to bond with their partner?

God wants you to roll the dice for a heavenly child every time you put your “twig and berries” inside her “hoohah”! Forget recreational sex for bonding! That’s what the baby is for! After all, the best thing a woman can do is be a Mother. Once she’s realized motherhood then she leveled up in the eyes of God.

Oh, that’s another thing, why do these Liberals call the people they’re having protected sex with their partners? They should get married and then they call each other either a husband or wife.

It’s damn crazy but I’m glad that God-fearing folks have nothing to worry about once they gave Jesus the wheel. We don’t have to think and just follow God and listen to all the preachers, and give them our money.

Liberals suck because they’re educated and want to enjoy their lives on earth. I’d rather save up my treasures in heaven and hope to get there one day.